Sordid Lives Sissy and LaVanda Talk about Perez Hilton

I got this from Del Shores Facebook and loved it and had to repost it.

SISSY IS ON THE PHONE WITH VERA AS SHE FRIES CHICKEN, CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HER MOUTH. SHE IS NOW 73 YEARS OLD. SHE’S AGED, BUT STILL SPRY.

SISSY. Got slapped by a black eyed pea and damaged an eyeball? What on God’s green earth are you talkin’ about? (listens) Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Oh. Sweet baby Jesus! Oh my! Used that word? Oh, that’s real offensive. Ty told me that . Well, I was watchin’ Matlock reruns and didn’t watch CNN and you know I don’t get the internet. Well, there is no excuse for violence. None! My second husband — oh what was his name? The one that wrote you all those hot checks, and was a joke-teller. (listens) No, Waylon was number three. Drove that bread truck. No, Sam was four. Well, I’m losin’ my ever’lovin’ mind, Vera. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of my second husband. Well, the point is that he had a temper. Especially if you didn’t laugh at one of his jokes. He told a dirty ” Knock Knock” joke once and I told him it wadn’t funny — and he hit me! Not hard, but hard enough. And I know it wasn’t right, but I picked up a cast iron skillet and whacked him over the head. That was basically the end of the marriage. Of course, that and his five year incarceration for writing you hot checks. It’s hard to wait on that… and I had fallen out of love. Oh, what was his name? (listens) I know it. I know it. I know it. Never once affected our friendship. Even when you testified against him.

LA VONDA STRUTS IN, WEARING HER PINK RUFFLED SHIRT AND TIGHT-TIGHT JEANS. SHE IS NOW IN HER 60′S, BUT LOOKING GOOD. AFTER ALL, SHE WORKS AT IT.

SISSY. I gotta go, Vera. LaVonda just walked in. I’ll call you later. And remember, Vera. Will power! Count them points! Weight Watchers worked for Wardell’s sister, Mozelle. She lost 83 pounds and kept 17 of that off!

SHE HANGS UP AS LA VONDA PICKS UP A CHICKEN LEG AND BEGINS TO EAT.

LA VONDA. Vera Lisso ain’t gonna lose an ounce.

SISSY. Well, she just might. Did you hear about Pe-rez What-’is-name being slapped by that rock group called The Black Eyed Peas?

LA VONDA. Yes, Sissy, I don’t live under a rock. (starts laughing) When he was cryin’ like a titty baby and cussin’ and spewin’… lordy, lordy, I know it’s not right to laugh, but I about lost it.

SISSY. LaVonda, you are awful.

LA VONDA. Guilty!

SISSY. I just don’t think Black Eyed Peas is a good name for a singing group. The Statler Brothers now that’s a name. But why would anybody want to be named after a vegetable?

LA VONDA. Are peas vegetables? I know macaroni and cheese is. (they laugh) Well, if you ask me, the son-of-a-bitch deserved it. He’s lucky this is the first time. You don’t called a straight black man THAT and not expect to get hit. Moron –

SISSY. Monroe! That was the name of my second husband!